"But I Don't Have a Family!"

I find myself spending a lot of time these days, just sitting in my car in the Walmart parking lot, thinking thoughts. Remember those old Oncor frozen dinner ads? The ones featuring "Al" and a variety of people who could not possibly finish the 6 yummy servings of juicy Salisbury steak?


I was just a kid when these commercials were playing. Whenever they got to the part where the wrestler, or referee, or football coach says "but I don't have a family!" they'd lose me, utterly. I thought: everyone has a family. I mean, everyone at least has a mother! What they meant of course, was not having a family "of one's own." I have finally figured this out. Better late than never.

This is what I was thinking about in the Walmart parking lot. And it hit me on a new level - everything this "I don't have a family" statement implies. What does it mean to be single-in-the-world?

#1 Singleness is increasingly singular. I am in that season of life where everyone at the party is pairing off. How supremely awkward to be in that room, with no desire or expectation to follow the pattern. Which leads me to the second point that

#2 Singleness is increasingly lonely. Yes, blah blah blah, single people can have a wide circle of friends. But single people are usually friends with single people, of which there are fewer and fewer (see #1.) Marrieds usually make friends with marrieds, preferably with marrieds who have children about the same age. Even if they do happen to keep up a friendship with a single, the reality is that where human relationships are concerned

#3 Singleness means never being at the top of anyone's priority list. Which means always being near the bottom. We all know those friends who will do anything for each other. But we all also know that family comes first. When push comes to shove, a single is never on the winning side.

so I am feeling pretty stinky about it, and rather jealous of the normals who want to be married and have families of their own. Maybe one day I will be brave enough to say: "I don't have a family" out loud, without some trepidation. One thing that's okay about it is the Oncor dinners. I don't need "Al" to invite himself and his family over for dinner. I have the stomach of a cow - I can down 6 Salisbury steaks easy.

Life Cycle of a TFA Teacher

created by a Teach for America 2nd year:

A Break in the Clouds

This week we had our first few days back at school - which means my co-workers are rather cranky. My apartment has no heat, the tub is plugged and the washing machine is broken. But ...

But I was on a buzz for most of this week, on account of my discovering something marvelous: Every last Sunday of the month, the Bishop leads a public celebration of solemn Vespers! Of course, in December the last Sunday was Christmas, so they bumped it up to last week, and I went. My bishop is really good at his job and this is another example. The diocese includes a Benedictine monastery, and somehow he has got the monks to come and sing the Office.

There were maybe 50 people there, and at the end there was Benediction. It was the first time I've received consolation in prayer in a very very long time. So, a break in the clouds. Which then immediately closed back up again, but I have the memory now to comfort me!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year

I am not a huge fan of Christmas - or rather all the baggage. I prefer the 4th of July. No one has much expectation for the 4th of July - aside from the hotdogs, I guess. (There was that one epic summer I baked on the Capitol steps with my long-suffering amiga - you know she did that without complaining once about my piss-poor planning!)

My favorite moments this Christmas came when we were all sitting together watching Jeoporady. We didn't do much present-wise this year, and it didn't matter one whiff. When we were altogether - that was what made me happy.

I wish we'd had more time to do that kind of thing. My one brother never comes around anymore, and my sister is married with her own family to tend to ...

But enough woe is me. I saw 2 movies over this break: Mission Impossible and War Horse. Both really good - but I personally will never watch War Horse again. One of those "I saw it because it's important, not because I want to" things.

Now Christmas is winding down and the New Year is almost here. Things I am looking forward to:

1. The days getting lighter and lighter
2. Easter
3. Going to the Gym!
4. Saving $500 a month
5. Taking my French Lessons
6. Letting go of perfectionism and remembering that People Are More Important Than Plans!

Death at Elementary School

The teacher with the classroom next to mine died yesterday. In her sleep. She was 28 ... maybe 29.

I was the last person to see her at school Friday night. She came to talk to me about this week - compare our plans. She was going to show a movie today - offered to let me borrow it. My last words to her were "drive safe." I wish I'd thought to thank her for all the support she's given me this year.

Today, of course, the shrinks were there. They gave us a paragraph to read to our students. The words were too advanced for 1st grade, but I honestly didn't know what else to say. So I did as told. My children are accustomed to seeing this teacher during the day, and I was concerned about how they would react. Most of them were okay; they wanted to tell me stories about friends and family members that have died before. A couple of them got hysterical. I feel badly for her children. It is hard to lose a teacher mid-year but this way?

It's incredible how fragile life is. You can be here one moment and gone the next, never mind your plans. What I know is that it is so surreal to look at her classroom door and realize she won't ever be standing there again. Today I could have sworn I saw her walking down the hallway.

Jesus, you know that she was good. Keep her safe.

Miss is a Grinch

Last week was Grinch Day in the first grade. I think I am going to read Dr. Seuss exclusively for the rest of the year - they were mesmerized by the story.

Miss is something of a grinch. My classroom doesn't have any Christmas decorations. I was a bit worried about the public school implications. What if one of the littles is a Jehovah's Witness? But I have decided to let go some. Many of my children come to school with rosaries around their necks. Last week one of them was very proud to show me his brown scapular. So next week we're watching "Christmas Around the World," and if anyone wants to sue me, let them come!!!

In other news ...

We read a story in class about a man named George Baker. He was going to school to learn to read. I explained to the children that he was 100 years old. They were all very impressed. But the littlest one got real wide eyes and said "ohhh he really needs to die!"

I pointed out that he need do no such thing. In any case, since Mr. Baker was not tired of learning he must not be tired of living. Even at 100 years old he is learning to read. The littlest one agreed. "But we don't want to wait that long to learn." No. We certainly do not.