Ugh

I realize that the last few things I've posted all have the word 'happy' in the title. Well how about this? Ugh.

Yup, ugh. I left early this morning for work (boy was I pumped to be MORE than on time, for once.) And what did I do? Of course, I slipped and fell on my big fat behind. It was extremely embarrassing, to say the least. But never fear! There is no humility without humiliation ...

There were a pair of ladies there who quite literally picked me up and dusted me off. "You should sue," one of them told me. The other lady pointed at the sidewalk, which dipped over a tree root. "Yes, sir, you should sue," she said. She looked up to note where I had fallen. "Right in front of the Geography department."

I laughed them off, but thirty minutes later, I'm ready to call an attorney. Because I destroyed a pair of tights, cut my feet at the ankles, and tore my right knee up. I need to get new tights for work, but the only thing open is this silly convenience store that only has size A stockings. I'm NOT a size A, folks.

So now I'm waddling down the street, in serious pain, wearing these uncomfortable tights over my injured knee, which is still gushing blood. And get this: because these tights are so blooming small, THEY get a huge run in them. But I can't do anything about that, because I'm going to be late for work.

So I stumble off the subway, walk 15 minutes to the elementary school, and basically get there just in time. Then I'm saddled with 2 kids for the first section of tutoring, which makes getting anything done impossible, because the kids are on different steps and have to be taught different things.

On top of that, my 'regular' kid, Marcia, is stuck on the differences between E and I. She keeps mixing up the sounds! So she gets upset and stops talking to me altogether. I had to have my supervisor come over and try to get her to unclam.
My student for next session, Dontae, was a little animal as well.

Of course, during this time I was also expected to haul kids back and forth from their classes. Needless to say, the kids took one look at me and thought to themselves: Injured gazelle. Easy prey.

So they ran wild and I had to use my 'mean voice' (which I don't like,) to get them back in line. Then at the end I had this huge cartload of junk to take back to the conference room, and I was dropping it everywhere, and I had to write 3 lesson plans instead of the usual two, and I was so late getting out of there I couldn't make my Anthropology class.

So now I'm aching all over. And I haven't even begun typing up my horrible, disgusting, political science paper. blah-blah-blah-blah-blah. In other words: ugh.

I offered up today's pains and trials for the sanctification of Cardinal Ratzinger. The guy had better be behaving himself today.

Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm thankful for Bishops who smack down cows like this Nancy Keenan person. Good grief. Does she call herself Catholic? Bring the pail, boys, Betsy's got to vomit.

Happy Tuesday!

I know, I know. Tuesday is the most passive-aggressive day. It's one big tease. Whatever energy you had from the weekend has dissipated by the time Tuesday rolls around. And the rest of the week is standing ominously on the street corner ahead, waiting to mug you at the red light.

That said, my Tuesday has been rather pleasant. I finally had my job interview. The boss was really nice and she all but offered me the job. One of the full-timers there was a girl who was in my French class last semester; apparently she graduated and got a job there!

As if that wasn't enough, on my circuitous walk around Friendship Heights looking for the right location of my interview, I discovered a TJ-MAX! Discounters in DC! Who knew they existed! I've been looking for a Metro-accessible Walmart or a Target for a year-and-a-half now. Cha-ching, Cha-ching. Time for some shopping I can't afford!

I also registered for next semester's classes. There was a small consternation over a hold on my record; it seems my bill hadn't been paid in full. But dearest Daddy overnighted a check. He fixed everything (as usual) and I am warm and well provided for. I got 4 of the 5 classes I needed, and now I'm going to raise Hell (see angelic language?) to squeeze into the 5th one. Apply pressure to the wound, is what they say. And the hemorrhaging will stop. Hooray!

Well, I'm happy. How are you?

I had a very good day today, I think. Today we had a jolly good old Englishman celebrate Mass for us.( He's the one in charge of the English translation of the Mass; I feel particularly sorry for him, given the recent USCCB elections to the Liturgy Commitee.) His homily was very good; Christmas pudding and other sorts of things. Very, very good.

I met up with Matthew, and the sweetie pie gave me 2 issues of Latin Mass magazine and a medal he picked up from England. What a sweetie pie, right? Then we went to Chipotle's for lunch. There is no lady-like way to eat a buritto. Otherwise, entirely successful venture.

Then I came home and noodled around. I haven't been very productive, but Thanksgiving is coming. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Let's Talk about Sex

Okay, folks, its time for some frank conversation with Joseph Cardinal Ratzinger.

It seems to me that when its time to have 'The Talk,' priests are the people who do it best. Is it just me? I never got anything resembling a 'Bird and the Bees' chat from anyone not wearing a Roman collar. First there's Karol Wojtyla, who became our beloved JPII in large part because of his book-length sex-talk (cringe not ye easily embarrassed adolescents, its not graphic, or mind-numbingly long,) Love And Responsibility.

And then there's this little missive from Zenit. How does Cardinal Ratzinger feel about Sex? Click for the whole answer, here's an excerpt:

Q: A big issue is sexual ethics. The encyclical "Humanae Vitae" produced a gap between the magisterium and the practical behavior of the faithful. Is it time to remedy that?

Cardinal Ratzinger: For me, it is clear that we must continue to reflect. In his first years as Pope, John Paul II offered a new anthropological, person-centered approach to the problem, developing a very different vision from the relationship between the "me" and "you" of men and women.

It is true that the pill has given rise to an anthropological revolution of great dimensions. It has not been, as thought in the beginning, the "only" solution for difficult situations. But it has changed the vision of sexuality, the human being and the body itself.

Sexuality has been separated from fecundity and in this way it has profoundly changed the concept of the human life.

The sexual act has lost its purpose and finality, which before was clear and specific, so that all forms of sexuality have become equivalent. Above all, from this revolution comes the equalization between homosexuality and heterosexuality. This is why I say that Paul VI indicated a problem of great importance. [....]

O Love, Thy Name Is Joseph Ratzinger

Okay, maybe I wouldn't go that far. But the Ratz sure is great, don't you think? Seeing his name brings a smile to my face. Hearing news about his life makes my heart leap. It must be luuuuuuuuuuv!

Anyway, here's the point: German Cardinal Lashes Out At 'Secular Europe'. So brave! So courageous! My knight in shining armor!

Can you imagine being chewed and spitted by the Prefect of CDF? But since I'm not a liberal heretic, there's not much chance of that happeniing. For me, there's no happy pill like a good-old fashioned Ratzinger smack down.

A Tale of Two Priests

I sit in the back pew at Mass. On weekdays, I don't go up for Communion. I never remember to bring my glasses anywhere. In other words, I never get a really good look at the celebrant of Daily Mass.

I can't see who the priests are, but I'm almost sure there's two of them. That, or this one priest is schizophrenic.

Priest A: Wears a chausible
Priest B: Where's the chausible?
Priest A: Genuflects at the Tabernacle
Priest B: Does a little bow
Priest A: "Let us call to mind our sins"
Priest B: "Let us call to mind our faults and failings"
Priest A: Leaves the Host intact until after consecration
Priest B: Breaks the Host upon the words "he broke the bread ..."
Priest A: Says "May Almighty God Bless You"
Priest B: Says "May Almighty God Bless Us"
Priest A: "Go In peace to love and serve the Lord."
Priest B: "Go in peace to love and serve the Lord and each other."

Today at Mass the Gospel was Luke 19:11-28. You can read it here. It is indeed, one of the harsher stories of the Gospel. Lucky me, I had "Priest B" to teach me this morning. He told the assembled faithful that he "didn't really have anything to say about the Gospel today" and instead went on to admonish us to consider how much time we spend "in action, helping the poor."

So now because I wasn't preached the Gospel at Mass, because it didn't fit Priest B's 'agenda,' I have to go looking around elsewhere, on my own, to have Luke 19:11-28 explained to me. Gee whiz. Priest B is really annoying me.

A Screw Is Loose In Barbra Land

Seeee how I said people keep calling my Republican friends "spawns of Satan?" Here's Bab's going nuts over the presidential election. In this little diatribe, she compares the Bush administration to a "reign of witches". That's right folks, Don Rumsfeld and his evil coven are spelling and scheming over some cauldron in an 'undisclosed location'.

I'll admit it. I visited Ms. Barbra-Without-The-'A' Streisand's website expecting to find the grand dame in a puddle of her own drool. I mean she did invest so much in John Kerry's candidacy. What's scary is that now she has this weird, creepy, repressed fury, bide-our-time before committing homicide mentality. "We must be patient?" What in the Most Holy Name of God is that? We have bottled rage simmering beneath the surface folks. Watch for Ms. Streisand going postal: "You religious freaks: All of you must die! Now listen to my music for hours on end! Hahahahaha!"

I'm Probably Going To Hell

... Unless something changes.

Today was pretty yucky, right from the start. I woke up late because my stupid alarm clock was set wrong, so I didn't go to Mass this morning. That promise of mine that I would go to Mass every morning for a whole month if El Presidente won re-election is looking pretty bad right now. I guess God knows I didn't mean to miss, and I guess I can make up for it later.

Then I went to work at the nursery school: I got some good hug time in with one baby, but then this other kid, Anija, I just made her cry like nobody's buisness. I really think the teachers there hate me, because I can't change diapers and all I do is make the kids cry.

On a happier note, we had a visit on campus from the TFP today, which basically means that these hottie bag-pipe playing Catholic boys put up a big, red, lion-ensconced flag, and handed out literature on why abortion is evil.

Okay, the guy sitting next to me keeps clearing his throat every 5 seconds. I mean literally every 5 seconds. It is really, really annoying. You know that grunting noise guys make when they're lifting weights? Or that "hrmph" from tennis players when they hit a ball? Really irritating.

But lets be mature about this. Lets offer it up to God. For missing Mass today. Okay? Very nice. Now I've got to type up a paper for Anthropology on: How and why religion is important to culture. Hehehehe. My sepciality.

Keep It Simple Stupid (K.I.S.S.)

Well happy Friday folksies. Today we've had an Interesting Day, so i'm going to keep it simple. My thoughts will be arranged in bullet point fashion, so as to avoid useless rambling, which is what I'm doing now.

1. It's raining and there's water on the ground. But I have yet to slip and fall on my but, thank God.

2. I'm not going home for Thanksgiving, apparently. I've got too much work to do, and its too expensive. So November the 25th, I'm firing up some Lean Cuisine. Come join me, so that we malcontents may plot and scheme.

3. I've given up eating chocolate (for a little while). So naturally they start selling chocolate-frosted Krispy Kreme donuts out on the street. "Come buy a whole dozen. Cheap and fattening, yum yum." No thank you, Satan. Keep your cellulite to yourself.

4. I'm trying to get another job at a day care center. Six hours a week, and I have no idea how much it pays. The classified ad said "Decent pay," which means, I guess, "barely legal". Its a kid depot for DC businesswomen who can't stand children.
Interview next Tuesday.

5. I've decided not to get sick this year. Yup. That means I've got to go buy some lysol and carry it around and spray it in public places. That way, I'll be healthy AND people will think I'm neurotic.

Paging Cardinal Ratzinger

St. Joan's Needs Discipline

CWN is reporting that this parish, previously smacked down by the Vatican for participating in a Gay Pride Parade, is at it again. They've asked a pair of practicing homosexual couples to speak about themselves and their relationship with the Church. I linked to their website above: go and look, but don't stare directly at the evilness. They had pictures up demonstrating how proud they are to be gay, they've been taken down. Want to hear about some eco-crap spirtuality? Check out their speaker list.
Here's the article from CWN

You can tell you're in Washington during a holiday when ...

1. The subway is almost empty. All the feds have gone home to pick their toenails.

2. You think getting to work will be easier because they'll be fewer passengers; but noooo Metro runs half as many trains because, hey, there's half as many customers. Clever little beasts.

3. Tourist Swarm! The feds vacate, the tourists re-locate. They make it impossible to make it down an escalator to catch a train. Walk LEFT, stand RIGHT. STAND RIGHT PEOPLE! Geesh.

Obviously I had trouble commuting this morning. But oh well. Other signs of the times:

You can tell today is a Code Orange Day when:

1. All the trash cans mysteriously disappear

2. The Transit Authority wears snazzy high visibility vests

3. The Menacing White Vans (MWV) appear at intersections.

4. Cops Congregate Around the 7-Eleven (Here in N.W. DC its one of the few places open 24 hours. And you know the fuzz. They love their slurppies.)
____________________________________________________

Happily, we've recently come down from Code Orange. Now I can throw things away! In public! Whoopdeedo!

P.S. Happy Veterans Day! All our Veterans, past and present, I salute you!!!

Congressman Hobnobs with Ecclesiastical Big Wigs, Turns Up Dirt

Its sad. Once upon a time a person could pop into any Catholic Church in the country and feel secure. There would a tabernacle behind the high alter, kneelers, statues of the Saints, and a crucifix. If there were windows, they'd be stained glass. Holy water would sit, waiting to do its duty, in fonts near every door.

Now things are more complex. No kneelers, no holy water. Statues create clutter. A high alter makes the people feel 'separated' from the sacrifice. There's a 'resurrected' Jesus leaping off a cross. A GPS system is necessary to locate the tabernacle.

Things sure have changed. Everything seems to be about politics. Catholics don't need an election year to get them embroiled in political matters!

That said, when the Church does get involved in secular political stuff, its alllways verrry interesting. Take this little missive from The Wanderer. Turns out Kerry's annulment was either denied, or he never sought one. That's beside the point though! Here we have Cardinal Law (you know him) and Cardinal O'Malley of Boston agreeing that President Kerry would be a disaster for the Church. There's Archbishop O'Brien of the Military Archdiocese, shaking his head at pro-Kerry Catholics. And then we have Cardinal McCarrick, the wet noodle himself, proclaiming a loud "Amen" for a Kerry defeat.

I feel pumped! Maybe these bishops, so many of whom have been disappointing me lately, are not what they seem to be. Maybe the reason they haven't been more publicly vocal is because of prudential judgment, or misplaced humility or something like that! Its not just necessarily because they are good Democrats keeping their mouths shut.

In case you're wondering, I'm not angry at Cardinal Law at all. I kind of feel sorry for him, and I don't like it when people go on and on attacking him. He's received enough public humiliation to last a life time; now enough is enough.

Join the GOP (a.k.a. the Dark Side)

I have it on good authority that me and my Republican accomplices are actually spawns of Satan; this sparked in me a period of interior reflection. Am I a card carrying member of a racist, homophobic, intolerant, facist organization? Below is my itinerary for today. You be the judge.

EVIL CONSERVATIVE TO-DO LIST

1. Kill a tree
2. Mug senior citizen. Steal Social Security check
3. Be mean to a little girl
4. Buy another gun. Name it Jenny
5. Update "Condemned to Hell" list
6. After dinner, time for some Warmongering with friends

Missive from the Carmelites of Loretto

Dear Elizabeth,

Praised be Jesus Christ! Thank you for your letter of October 22nd. I apologize for my tardiness in responding. Your plans for a weekend visit in January are very good. It would give you an opportunity to pray with us and meet the Nuns, ask questions, and just be close to Our Lord in silence and prayer. We are looking forward to meeting you. May Jesus bestow upon you abundant graces, so that you may always radiate His Love to others. Devotedly yours in Jesus and Mary,
Mother Teresa, O.C.D.

Thank You Mamma

The votes have been counted, the results are in, and I have to go on my knees and thank Mamma Maria for her mercy. The President has won re-election and the country has been spared a scandal. Now the Archbishop of St.Louis will be spared the agony of denying the President of the United States Communion. Now the Holy Father will be spared additonal tears over his lost sheep. Thank you Mamma, for praying with us!

Everyone should send congratulations to Father Frank Pavone over at Priests For Life. He worked sooo hard on getting the Catholic vote out and organized. And it worked too! Thats right, the orthodox "Mother Angelica" Roman Catholic vote is what put the President over the top! Read all about it here.

Not only have we been spared, but we've been given a gift! This is the best chance we've ever had of overturning Roe v. Wade. And the pro-aborts know their time is coming, too. NARAL and Planned Parenthood are throwing a hissy fit. We've got them on the run folks! Charge!!!

The Hour Has Come ... VOTE!

This day I participated in what my anthropology- professor would call 'ritualized expression':I marched my tushy over to my voting place and triumphantly cast a pro-life ballot.

You all probably know who I picked. I voted for President and for an observer for DC in the House of Representatives. I decided not to vote for any of the 'local' elections; cuz I didn't know anything about them and we don't want to accidentally vote Hitler into office, now do we?

I now have some idea of what it feels like to be cattle. I was herded here and there, prodded and so forth. Then "they" (one of the election workes) took my ballot and inserted it into a little machine. The machine ate my ballot and spit out a sticker which announces: "I voted!". This, I am guessing, is meant to be my receipt. Now I am supposed to wear the sticker all day long, in hopes of encouraging the slackers around me to exercise their rights.

I love Democracy don't you? I should have taken a picture. Nuts. Well, I will shellack my sticker and preserve it for posterity. Happy election day folksies! Go vote (pro-life!) if you haven't already!

Tomorrow is Dies Irae

Oy vey, the Day of Wrath, election day. All my Republican accomplices are required to move their tushies and get out there and vote! VOTE, people, for the Love of God! Or else I will be forced to consume ketchup-less hotdogs and hamburgers for the REST of my NATURAL LIFE. The humanity!!!

Seriously, folks, this election is super duper important. So show up at the right voting place, bring ID with you, and punch the little hole with the (R) next to it! Leave no chads hanging, my fellow citizens! No hanging chads!

This will be my first vote ever, and as such, I am rather nervous. I am going to cast a conservative ticket here in DC (futile as that may be) and then I will pull an actual lever and cast an actual vote that will actually be counted. Amazing! Thrilling! I love being an American!

Now everyone ask St. Thomas Moore to help whoever wins (ahem) persue policies that promote the dignity of every human life; from conception to natural death. If the heart is not willing, Jesus, then transform our hearts!