Today is the Solemnity of the Sacred Heart. It would have been my feast day, if I was still a Sister. It's so gross to me that this is one of the most beautiful celebrations in the whole Church calendar, and my first and dominant emotion is a very dark shade of blue.
You know that thing people say, "time heals all wounds?" That is one ginormous lie. We silly people get hurt all sorts of ways, and as we gaze into the deep, festering laceration, we bite our lip and dizzily mumble: Oh. Well, time heals all wounds.
Time is a non-spatial continuum, folks! It is not a therapist nor is it licensed to practice medicine in any of the 48 contiguous United States.
Do you want to go numb? Or do you want to be healed? If we've been damaged somehow, we must not sit upon our backsides waiting for time to fix it. Because we will get pale, flabby and sore doing that.
Healing is hard, sweaty labor, and I confess I am often in no mood. Other times the work ethic is driven by entirely negative fuel: Who cares about gaining/growing, or that mushy nonsense ... What does it take to get rid of the pain?
Only God can do this for me, if He chooses. Now, waiting for time will get you nowhere. Waiting for God, on the other hand ... you might get pale, flabby and sore doing it, but it's worth it in the end. This I know, because the Bible tells me so.
May 30, 2008
May 28, 2008
Pah-tee, Pah-tee
Yesterday my sister and I went zooming about in our little tin can Hyundai Elantra with one mission in mind: find the Party Station. Our Mother has reached that age whence birthdays are of Particular Significance. We therefore wanted it to be custom coordinated. The party section at the local grocer would hardly do. We needed the specialists.
First, we called Free 411:
Computer: "City and State?"
Me: Hudson, Ohio
Computer: "Hobson, Ohio."
Me: Hudson.
Computer: "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?"
Me: Hudson.
Computer: "Hobson, Ohio."
After about twenty minutes of wailing, hair-pulling and hollering into the cell phone, we extricated driving directions. They led us to a windowless building wrapped in beige siding. An electric sign out front announced: "Congratulations Erica and Dave!"
Yes. Free 411 gave us directions, not to The Party Station, purveyors of balloons, streamers, and birthday candles, but to a party station, which had been rented out that very afternoon to celebrate the great day in which Dave and Erica became one flesh.
Having wasted three-fourths of the afternoon in a fruitless hunt for celebration supplies, we decided to give up being Independent Women. Our father guided us to the correct location, and we made it 15 minutes before closing.
Mission accomplished. Moral of the story: Pay for 411.
First, we called Free 411:
Computer: "City and State?"
Me: Hudson, Ohio
Computer: "Hobson, Ohio."
Me: Hudson.
Computer: "I'm sorry. Can you repeat that?"
Me: Hudson.
Computer: "Hobson, Ohio."
After about twenty minutes of wailing, hair-pulling and hollering into the cell phone, we extricated driving directions. They led us to a windowless building wrapped in beige siding. An electric sign out front announced: "Congratulations Erica and Dave!"
Yes. Free 411 gave us directions, not to The Party Station, purveyors of balloons, streamers, and birthday candles, but to a party station, which had been rented out that very afternoon to celebrate the great day in which Dave and Erica became one flesh.
Having wasted three-fourths of the afternoon in a fruitless hunt for celebration supplies, we decided to give up being Independent Women. Our father guided us to the correct location, and we made it 15 minutes before closing.
Mission accomplished. Moral of the story: Pay for 411.
May 26, 2008
May 23, 2008
My Thumb Goes to the Movies
I've recently seen two talkies, and I took both hands and all ten fingers with me.
Thumbs Up:
Prince Caspian. The character of Peter is much improved. In the first Narnia film, I was disappointed that Peter was made into some kind of vacillating wimp. In this second installment, there's none of that. Peter is still conflicted, but its over a crisis of faith in Aslan's abilities, not his own.
The one serious down point was the title character, Prince Caspian, irritatingly played by a predictable "pretty boy," complete with accent and long wavy hair. The story was marred by the addition of a love affair between Susan the Future Apostate and said pretty boy. C.S. Lewis had too much respect for his readers to include such a vehicle in his book. Hollywood, on the other hand, does not see how any Modern could be expected to pay attention to a story for any length of time without the insertion of some sex appeal. I recall they did this to Lord of the Rings, too.
Thumbs Down:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It's perhaps unfair to compare this movie to the greatness that is "The Last Crusade." Even considered as a stand-alone, it's a sub-par story with glaring plot holes. All Indy movies require suspension of a great deal of logic, and that's half the fun. But it got to be too much. In one scene, a leather-clad greaser swings Tarzan-style amongst the jungle vines. At this, the man sitting next to me in the theatre blurted out: "oh come on!"
Unfortunately, this is one of those movies you just have to see, no matter how bad it is, because well, it's the last Indy movie.
Thumbs Up:
Prince Caspian. The character of Peter is much improved. In the first Narnia film, I was disappointed that Peter was made into some kind of vacillating wimp. In this second installment, there's none of that. Peter is still conflicted, but its over a crisis of faith in Aslan's abilities, not his own.
The one serious down point was the title character, Prince Caspian, irritatingly played by a predictable "pretty boy," complete with accent and long wavy hair. The story was marred by the addition of a love affair between Susan the Future Apostate and said pretty boy. C.S. Lewis had too much respect for his readers to include such a vehicle in his book. Hollywood, on the other hand, does not see how any Modern could be expected to pay attention to a story for any length of time without the insertion of some sex appeal. I recall they did this to Lord of the Rings, too.
Thumbs Down:
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. It's perhaps unfair to compare this movie to the greatness that is "The Last Crusade." Even considered as a stand-alone, it's a sub-par story with glaring plot holes. All Indy movies require suspension of a great deal of logic, and that's half the fun. But it got to be too much. In one scene, a leather-clad greaser swings Tarzan-style amongst the jungle vines. At this, the man sitting next to me in the theatre blurted out: "oh come on!"
Unfortunately, this is one of those movies you just have to see, no matter how bad it is, because well, it's the last Indy movie.
May 20, 2008
May 15, 2008
A Hundred Cans of Beer in the Bag
Today I wandered aimlessly around Decco Alloys, a scrap metal plant nestled in the charming city of Twinsburg. On my back I hauled a giant plastic bag full of crushed beer cans. Miller Lite, if you must know.
It was a Minor Adventure, but I eventually found an employee to weigh the stuff and give me my just remuneration.
I wanted to tell him: I don't drink this much. I don't drink at all. In fact I'm allergic! I don't have wild parties. I don't even like parties! I like libraries! And afternoon tea!
And then I wanted to tell him: I'm not so poor that I'm picking cans. I'm not a bum or a drug addict. I'm utterly employable! I'm hard-working! I'm squeaky clean!
It's rather sad, isn't it. I was so afraid I might be judged alcoholic or destitute. I have a new appreciation for the insult to human dignity which severely impoverished or addicted persons face on a daily basis. And I have a new window into my own lack of humility.
In addition to these things, I received $3.90. That's a gallon of gas, not bad.
It was a Minor Adventure, but I eventually found an employee to weigh the stuff and give me my just remuneration.
I wanted to tell him: I don't drink this much. I don't drink at all. In fact I'm allergic! I don't have wild parties. I don't even like parties! I like libraries! And afternoon tea!
And then I wanted to tell him: I'm not so poor that I'm picking cans. I'm not a bum or a drug addict. I'm utterly employable! I'm hard-working! I'm squeaky clean!
It's rather sad, isn't it. I was so afraid I might be judged alcoholic or destitute. I have a new appreciation for the insult to human dignity which severely impoverished or addicted persons face on a daily basis. And I have a new window into my own lack of humility.
In addition to these things, I received $3.90. That's a gallon of gas, not bad.
May 13, 2008
You Know You're Angry When ...
- You, a Mozart-loving suburban white girl,
start making up vengeful (poorly written) rap
songs in your head - Innocent Bystander: Pardon, do you have a watch?
You: Yes.
(Silence)
Innocent Bystander: Um, what time is it?
You: Why can't you just leave me alone? - You would like to punch a pillow,
but you decide the pillow isn't worth
your time or energy - An inanimate object malfunctions (eg the shoe
tree collapses. Again.) You accuse it of inhumanity,
expecting passersby to be outraged at its pitiless
kicking of a person who is down
May 9, 2008
May 7, 2008
May 6, 2008
It's Our Fault
You all have heard about how Eight Belles died during the Kentucky Derby. Now everyone is in a tizzy, wondering whether the whole racehorse thing ought to be banned entirely.
Today a lady came to the door looking for her dog, Zoey, a little dog of the wiener variety. We'd seen Zoey a few days before, trotting down Middleton Road in the rain, dragging a leash behind her. I jumped out of the car to pick her up, but she turned tail and ran up the driveway of a nearby house. We figured she must live there.
I recall the nature films they showed us in school. There's always a part where the lion takes down the gazelle, and the soothing narrator assures us: behold the circle of life. Okay, intellectually I understand. The lion has to eat, too, after all. But something about it repels.
Remember the dog in Twister? In the opening scenes, a farm family is seen taking shelter in a cellar, when there comes a yelping at the door. Oh no! The family pet has been left out in the storm! Farmer Dad lets the dog in, and the audience cheers. Later, Farmer Dad is sucked out by the tornado, but that's alright. At least the dog is safe.
Remember the dog in War and Peace? In the midst of a forced march through a Russian winter, there is a dog. Many people die agonizing deaths. But in the end, the dog makes it. Somehow, this makes the ordeal less horrible.
I think we hate seeing animals suffer because it reminds us, even subconsciously, of our responsibility for the brokenness of the world. Even when an animal dies of natural causes, be it old age or lion-take-down, we cringe. They are suffering because of original sin. Even when its not our fault, it is our fault.
Today a lady came to the door looking for her dog, Zoey, a little dog of the wiener variety. We'd seen Zoey a few days before, trotting down Middleton Road in the rain, dragging a leash behind her. I jumped out of the car to pick her up, but she turned tail and ran up the driveway of a nearby house. We figured she must live there.
I recall the nature films they showed us in school. There's always a part where the lion takes down the gazelle, and the soothing narrator assures us: behold the circle of life. Okay, intellectually I understand. The lion has to eat, too, after all. But something about it repels.
Remember the dog in Twister? In the opening scenes, a farm family is seen taking shelter in a cellar, when there comes a yelping at the door. Oh no! The family pet has been left out in the storm! Farmer Dad lets the dog in, and the audience cheers. Later, Farmer Dad is sucked out by the tornado, but that's alright. At least the dog is safe.
Remember the dog in War and Peace? In the midst of a forced march through a Russian winter, there is a dog. Many people die agonizing deaths. But in the end, the dog makes it. Somehow, this makes the ordeal less horrible.
I think we hate seeing animals suffer because it reminds us, even subconsciously, of our responsibility for the brokenness of the world. Even when an animal dies of natural causes, be it old age or lion-take-down, we cringe. They are suffering because of original sin. Even when its not our fault, it is our fault.
May 5, 2008
Are You a Christian On-the-Go?
Try the Bible Bar, Nutrition God's way. It contains the 7 foods mentioned in a certain passage of the Old Testament, namely the eighth chapter of Deuterotomy:
8:7 For the LORD thy God bringeth thee into a good land [...] 8:8 A land of wheat, and barley, and vines, and fig trees, and pomegranates; a land of oil olive, and honey.
8:7 For the LORD thy God bringeth thee into a good land [...] 8:8 A land of wheat, and barley, and vines, and fig trees, and pomegranates; a land of oil olive, and honey.
May 4, 2008
May is Mother's Month
"I don't think I should take care of you, when I don't get any entertainment value out of you at all." ~ My mother
"Why don't you practice? Those Asian kids are practicing right now! Do something nice for your mother. That's my Mother's Day present; be an Asian kid. Is it so bad for a mother to want her son to be an Asian kid?"
~ My Mother, entreating her son to practice his saxophone, that he might approach the excellence of the concert masters, who happen to be of Asian descent.
"Why don't you practice? Those Asian kids are practicing right now! Do something nice for your mother. That's my Mother's Day present; be an Asian kid. Is it so bad for a mother to want her son to be an Asian kid?"
~ My Mother, entreating her son to practice his saxophone, that he might approach the excellence of the concert masters, who happen to be of Asian descent.
May 3, 2008
How To Endure Poverty
and Determine the Age of Mutton
"That a thorough, religious, useful education is the best security against misfortune, disgrace and poverty, is universally believed and acknowledged; and to this we add the firm conviction that, when poverty comes ( as it sometimes will) upon the prudent, the industrious, and the well-informed, a judicious education is all-powerful in enabling them to endure the evils it cannot always prevent."
~ from The American Frugal Housewife, Dedicated to Those Who Are Not Ashamed of Economy by Mrs. Child, 1833.
"Don't be a fool, stay in school."
~ Mr. T
Also from The Frugal Housewife:
"If it be young mutton, the flesh will pinch tender; if old, it will wrinkle and remain so. If young, the fat will easily part from the lean; if old, it will stick by strings and skins. Strong, rancid mutton feels spongy, and does not rise again easily, when dented."
~ from The American Frugal Housewife, Dedicated to Those Who Are Not Ashamed of Economy by Mrs. Child, 1833.
"Don't be a fool, stay in school."
~ Mr. T
Also from The Frugal Housewife:
"If it be young mutton, the flesh will pinch tender; if old, it will wrinkle and remain so. If young, the fat will easily part from the lean; if old, it will stick by strings and skins. Strong, rancid mutton feels spongy, and does not rise again easily, when dented."
May 2, 2008
My Felt Banner Tells Me So
That's right. I am ... The Light of the World!
My First Communion preparation consisted of this artwork and a pizza party. I enjoyed the pizza; the felt business, not so much. Having reached the age of reason, I could not help but note the uselessness of this as a piece of stand-alone-catechesis. Conversion has tempered my disgust. I can believe what the banner says, but not because the banner says it.
It continues to hang in my bedroom as proof to future generations that the Legend of the Felt Banner Era is not pure myth.
This banner insists that I am the Light of the World, which, as a biblical concept, happens to be true. During one of my recent hospital visits, I received a giant plastic sippy cup, which announced to me, rather matter-of-factly: "At the Center is You."
Thank you, giant sippy cup, for affirming my personal conviction that the known universe revolves around me.
May 1, 2008
What have you left me fit for?
Unemployed Girl
Kazimir Malevich (1904)
Poor, poor Unemployed Girl. Drifting aimlessly through her twenties, anxious and uncertain about the future. She seems about to break into a crying jag, complete with howls of "whats to be come of me?"
Sound familiar? Could you take Eliza Doolittle's part in "My Fair Lady?"
Recently I've heard about the Quarter-life Crisis. According to People Who Know, the Quarter-life Crisis is characterized by:
- insecurity regarding the near future
- insecurity concerning long-term plans, life goals
- insecurity regarding present accomplishments
- a sense that everyone is, somehow, doing better than you
All sorts of support groups, books, motivational speakers ... a regular cottage industry has grown up around soothing the angst of twenty-somethings.
The cure for these Quarterlife, and Midlife crises is God. Crazy Athiest Nietzsche once said, "He who has a why to live can bear almost any how..."
Why am I alive? Heaven. Get the Lord Jesus to be your life-coach, you fools.
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